Ms. Hathaway

Shay Hathaway needed a dress for the party tonight. I’m so hungry she thought for the 15th time today, this new diet is kicking my ass. Shopping on Melrose Avenue was always a nightmare for Shay. The swanky boutiques of Los Angeles never carried her size, and the stick thin employees made her sweat as their judgement rose and typically ran her out of the store without trying on a single thing.

Today she would stay driven though, she had a mission. She had to get the perfect dress for her father’s campaign cocktail party. She hadn’t seen her relatives and family friends in months, and they would all be there. They were worse than any boutique employee, their eyes always roamed every inch of her skin, and she always felt that she was the subject of their hushed whispers. They were all so naturally thin, beautiful, glowing, perfectly chatty and outgoing. They resembled everything she was not, and everything she longed to be.

She was feeling a bit more confident, she had been on this diet for a month now, and had even lost a few pounds. She hadn’t met her goal, but she figured she was close enough. She headed to the first store on her list, Lillie’s.

The bell above her head rang as she opened the boutique door, and a woman at the front desk looked up from her laptop with forced smile. She attempted to help Shay find what she needed, but Shay picked up on the girl’s distain. No matter how many times she was judged for her weight and appearance, even by random strangers, the pain of unacceptance still struck her to her core. She headed over to the dresses and tried to ignore the stare she felt blazing through her loosely hanging sundress, like a laser beam from the eyes of the model-like employee. She picked up a flowing halter dress that looked like it just might fit her, the coral pink color may even make her look tan she thought, and maybe she could even get a spray tan to suggest that she had been sunbathing at the beach. Maybe she could conceal that realistically, she hadn’t left her apartment in weeks.

Shay asked to try on the dress while the employee looked at her again, sizing her up and down, raising her eyebrows. At least she had the decency not to say anything, not to suggest another, larger, size, and to merely set her up in a dressing room.

Shay tried on the dress. It looked terrible on her and she wondered why she had even tried. The color was all wrong, and made her look even paler and fatter than she had expected. She needed to get out of the store, she felt nauseous. She wasn’t sure if it was due to the reflection in the mirror or that annoying churn of her stomach, always craving more food, more carbs, more fat.

She took the stupid thing off, and thought of how stunning the sales clerk would look in such a thing. She thought about Los Angeles, the city of Angels, Victoria Secret Angels, it seemed. All these beautifully flawless girl, how she could never compete, never fit in, could never be thin enough.

She exited the dressing room, the clerk spun around and asked “How did it work out for you, did you want to try another size?” Size, size, size. Even without trying, it was implied that Shay was just not the right size.

Shay’s vision blurred as she briskly walked out the door, and back out to the street. She walked in the direction of her car, she had to get home.

Fuck the party, fuck Melrose Ave, and fuck L.A. She hated it all. She dreamed of a place without cocktail parties and diets and spray tans and entirely too high of expectations. But she couldn’t leave L.A., she had nowhere else to go. The only reason she was still here is because she had free rent at the apartment complex her father owned. She hadn’t had a job in over a year, not an internship or even a hobby. Her family thought she was interning at DASH, she laughed out loud at the thought of her working at a high end fashion store on Melrose Avenue, the exact place that served as the pit of her anxieties. She just wanted her family to think she was following in her older sister’s footsteps, making her way into the fashion industry. She just wanted to fit in, maybe even make them proud.

Shay got to her car, and picked up her phone. A text from her father lit up the screen:

“We all can’t wait to see you tonight; it’s been much too long. Hope you really have been doing better. Remember to wear something sensible tonight, as it is an important night for the family. I’ve deposited $1,000 into your bank account, which should be appropriate. Love you, Dad.”

Shay needed to pull it together. She needed a dress for the party. She couldn’t let them down, not again. She wiped the tears from her face, took a deep breath, and remembered Violet’s. She felt a nostalgic pang of joy remembering the store that her and her friends used to love, and used to spend all of their week’s allowance on in high school. Back when she was carefree, young, beautiful and effortlessly thin due to her 15-year old lightning fast metabolism, before her friends left her one by one, for New York, and Paris and all the other fabulous places. Before she ran to food for comfort, before she blew up like a balloon. She would go to Violet’s, she thought, and she would get a dress.

She left her car and made her way to the store, feeling a bit better. She would stride in, pick an expensive dress, and buy it, and then she would get a spray tan and she would try to look good for the party. She would convince everyone she was doing so much better.

She walked into Violet’s, three different girls were bustling inside, all beautiful, unpacking cardboard boxes full of new trends for summer. One of the girls looked up at Shay. Shay’s heart dropped.

“Shay”, Amber said with fake excitement. Her face was white, eyes wide. She stayed poised though and regrouped herself. “Shay, oh my god, I haven’t seen you in years. How…How are you?”

Shay was at a loss for words. Amber had been one of her best friends. They’d always shopped at this store together. She hadn’t spoken to her since graduation. She didn’t want to be there another second, but she couldn’t leave now.

“Hi-Hey, uhm it’s good to see you. I’m doing well.” Shay lied.

“Oh, it’s your dad’s party tonight isn’t it? It seems like everyone’s been talking about it, how exciting. You must be here for something to wear.” Amber rummaged through the box on the table in front of her, scrambling and nervous “Here, I can find something for you in here, we just got some great stuff in, I’m actually managing the store now, wow we should really grab a coffee and catch up sometime…” Amber was babbling, and Shay had ultimately stopped listening, going blank.

The other sales rep was staring at the two girls, looking back and forth between them, resting her dagger-like eyes on Shay. She could feel the burn of her X-ray vision. “Quite frankly sweetheart, I’m not sure we have anything quite your size, nothing here is going to fit you…” the little blond girl said with exaggerated, bored, attitude.

“Emily, shut up.” Amber said sternly, through gritted teeth. “Here, Shay, this would look lovely on you, you always liked things that glittered.”

Amber pulled out a shiny, flowing dress, and Shay knew already it wouldn’t fit her, but she would buy it anyways just to get the hell out of Violet’s.

“I’ll take it, thank you, I’m sorry to be rude I’m just in quite a hurry.” Shay said, shaking, barley able to take her card from her purse.

“Oh, of course, I’m sure you have lots to do, lots to prepare for.” Amber said, walking to the cash register and ringing her up, wrapping the dress in a fancy bag. $800, it was worth it to end this hopeless situation.

“Here you are”, they locked eyes across the counter. “Shay, I didn’t even know you were in L.A. You should really call me; we should catch up. I was so worried.”

Shay knew it was sincere, Amber had always been so sweet and nurturing. It was Shay who’d always pushed everyone out.

“Of course, yes, that’d be lovely. But I must go, have a good day Amber.” Shay didn’t get a response as bolted out the door, dress in hand.

Inside Violet’s, Amber shuttered. She turned around and attempted to go back to work.

“How the hell do you know Congressman Hathaway’s daughter? That girl is a fucking train wreck.” Emily remarked casually.

“She used to be one of my best friends. It’s sad, Emily, have some empathy.” Amber barked back. Although she’d never been a victim, she knew the judgment and hurt that the girls of L.A. could place upon small, weak girls like Shay.

Amber’s eyes lingered towards the door, where she had seen the most beautiful girl in her high status high school, homecoming queen, and fashion icon leave without an ounce of confidence left in her little body.

“Well, clearly rehab didn’t work, she looks worse than ever. I wouldn’t be surprise if she was no more than 90 pounds.” Emily scoffed. “Wait till everyone sees her, the media is just going to tear her apart.

For her sake, I hope she stays in tonight, stay’s wherever she’s been hiding away. Her family probably doesn’t have a clue how bad it’s gotten.”

Amber ignored Emily’s comments, and turned back to hanging up the dresses, her brain completely scattered. She felt like she’d just seen a ghost. She supposed in a way, she had. An emaciated ghost, skin and bones, a complete lack of spirit. Amber continued hanging up the dresses, all size 0.