Ms. Hathaway

Shay Hathaway needed a dress for the party tonight. She parked her eggplant purple Mercedes along Melrose Avenue. The L.A. sun beamed down on her car and shined along the pale white sidewalks in front of her, shadowed only by long, tall palm trees. They swayed slightly with the wind, appearing thin and flimsy, as if they could simply break in half or fall over, crushing her and her tiny car at any moment.

I’m so hungry she thought for the fifteenth time today. This new diet is kicking my ass. Shopping had become a nightmare for Shay. The swanky boutiques never carried her new size, and the stick-thin employees made her sweat as she felt their judgment that nearly ran her out of the glossy stores. She worried people would recognize her, and then she would second guess it. Be honest with yourself, you look and act nothing like you used to. Today she had told herself encouraging mantras in her car’s visor mirror. She had a mission, and she would keep it together. She could do this.

Shay had to get the perfect dress for her father’s production company’s new movie premiere. She hadn’t seen her relatives and friends in months, and tonight, they would all be there. A lot of important people would be at the red-carpet event, and they were worse than any boutique employee. Her stomach turned thinking about the way their eyes seemed to roam every inch of her skin. She felt that she was the subject of their hushed whispers. They were all naturally thin, beautiful, glowing, perfectly chatty, and outgoing. They all had important jobs and wore the right things without grabbing at the material uncomfortably or constantly reminding themselves to suck in their gut. They resembled everything she was not and everything she longed to be.

Shay had been preparing for this day for weeks now. She’d even lost a few pounds already. While she hadn’t met her goal weight, she figured she would get there soon enough. She took a deep breath and headed to the first store on her list, the flowery high-end boutique called Lillie’s.

The bell above her head rang as she opened the boutique door. A girl at the front desk looked up from her laptop with an uncomfortably forced grin. She tried to help Shay find what she needed, but Shay picked up on the girl’s disdain. No matter how many times she was judged for her appearance, even by random strangers, the pain of unacceptance still struck her to her core.

As she headed over to the dresses, she tried to ignore the stare she felt blazing through her loosely hanging sundress. It felt like a laser beam bore into her from the eyes of the model-like employee. Shay felt it sear into her pale, plushy skin. She picked up a flowing halter dress that looked like it just might fit her. The coral pink color might even give her some color she thought, and maybe she could even get a spray tan to suggest that she had been sunbathing at the beach. Perhaps she could conceal the fact she hadn’t left her apartment in weeks.

Shay asked to try on the dress, and the employee guided her to the fitting rooms with a pinched smile, avoiding eye contact. At least she had the decency not to say anything, not to suggest a larger size, and to merely set her up in a dressing room. Shay watched the girl open the curtain to the room in one swift motion and felt a pang in her gut watching her toned and tanned arm in action. It didn’t even jiggle.

Shay tried on the dress. It looked terrible on her. The color was all wrong and made her look even paler and fatter than she expected. Her reflection made her face all the details of her body she tried to ignore. The fat at her hips, her thighs, even her wrists. She needed to get out of the store. Shay felt nauseous, and she wasn’t sure if it was due to the reflection in the mirror or that annoying churn of her stomach, craving more food, more carbs, more fat. She took the stupid thing off and thought of how stunning the sales clerk would look in it, sleek and sparkling. Shay felt alone in Los Angeles, the city of Angels - Victoria Secret Angels, it seemed. All these beautifully flawless people that she could never compete with, never fit in with, could never be thin enough for.

Shay left the dressing room. The clerk spun around and asked, “How did it work out for you? Did you want to try another size?”

Size, size, size. Even without trying, it was implied that Shay was just not the right size. Her vision blurred as she dashed out the door without a word, back out to the street. She walked to her car. She had to get back to the comfort of her lonely home.

Fuck the party, fuck Melrose Ave, and fuck L.A. Shay hated it all. She dreamed of a place without cocktail parties and diets and spray tans and entirely too high expectations. But she couldn’t leave L.A. She had nowhere else to go. The only reason she was still here is that she had free rent at the apartment complex her father owned. She hadn’t had a job in over a year, not an internship or even a hobby. Her family thought she was interning at DASH. She laughed out loud at the thought of herself working at a high-end fashion store on Melrose Avenue, the exact place that served as the pit of her anxieties. She just wanted her family to think she was following in her older sister’s footsteps, making her way into the fashion industry. All she wanted was to fit in, maybe even make them proud.

Shay got into her car and picked up her phone. A text from her father lit up the screen:

“We all can’t wait to see the new and improved Shay tonight. It’s been much too long. Remember to wear something sensible, as it is an important night for the family. I’ve deposited $5,000 into your bank account, which should be appropriate.”

Shay needed to pull it together. She needed a dress for the party. She couldn’t let them down, not again. Wiping the tears from her face, she took a deep breath and remembered Violet’s. Suddenly, she felt a pang of nostalgia for the store that she and her friends had loved. They used to throw each other clothes over the dressing rooms and laugh carelessly. They were young then, they all came from money, the world was theirs. But that was back when she was beautiful and effortlessly thin thanks to her sixteen-year-old lightning-fast metabolism. Back then, she’d even done some modeling. It was a time that seemed to be a million years ago, before her friends left her one by one, for New York, and Paris, and all the other fabulous places. It was before she ran to food for comfort before she blew up like a balloon. She would go to Violet’s. She must get a dress.

Determined, she left her car and made her way to the store, trying to build herself back up. She would stride in, pick an expensive dress, buy it, and then she would get a spray tan and try to appear put together for the party. She would convince everyone she was doing so much better.

Shay walked into Violet’s. Three different girls were bustling inside, all beautiful, unpacking cardboard boxes full of new summer trends. Racks were lined with elegant pieces, arranged to perfection. It was the kind of store you didn’t dare enter without at least five grand to spend. One of the girls looked up. Shay’s heart dropped. This is why she didn’t leave the house. People from her past could be anywhere.

“Shay,” Amber said with deflated excitement as her eyes moved from Shay’s face traveling down her revolting body. She saw Amber’s face twist in surprise.

She snapped her eyes up to meet Shay’s, struggled to regroup, cleared her throat, and said, “Shay, oh my god, I haven’t seen you in years. How…How are you?”

Shay was at a loss for words. Amber had been one of her best friends. They used to shop here together. She hadn’t spoken to Amber since graduation. Shay was surprised to see her work here, she didn’t need the money. While she didn’t want to be there another second, she certainly couldn’t leave now.

“Hi-Hey, um it’s good to see you. I’m doing well,” Shay lied.

Amber looked fucking amazing. Tall and thin, her sharp, exotic features could cut glass. Shay would have envied her if she didn’t remember that despite the fact that Amber resembled a runway model, she was one of the nice ones.

“Oh, it’s your dad’s event tonight, isn’t it? It seems like everyone’s been talking about it. How exciting! You must be looking for something to wear,” Amber said, rummaging through the box on the table in front of her, scrambling and anxious.

“Here, I can find something for you, we just got some great stuff in, I actually own the store now, how crazy is that, wow we should really grab a coffee and catch up sometime…” Amber babbled nervously, and Shay had stopped listening. She hated how uncomfortable she made people who saw her now.

The other sales rep looked back and forth between them, resting her dagger-like eyes on Shay. She could feel the burn of her X-ray vision.

“Quite frankly, sweetheart, I’m not sure we have anything your size. Nothing here is going to fit you….” The tiny blonde girl said with an exaggerated, bored attitude and a bitchy head tilt. Her tree branch arms crossed as she rested her pretty little head on her spidery hand.

“Emily, shut up,” Amber said through gritted teeth.

Amber turned back to Shay with a sweet smile, “Here, this would look lovely on you. You always liked things that glittered.”

Amber pulled out a shiny, dazzling sequin dress and Shay knew it wouldn’t fit, but she would buy it anyway just to get the hell out of Violet’s.

“I’ll take it, thank you. I’m sorry to be rude. I’m just in a hurry,” Shay said, slightly shaking, barely able to take her card from her purse.

“Oh, of course, I’m sure you have lots to do, lots to prepare for,” Amber said, walking to the cash register and ringing her up.

Amber wrapped the dress in a fancy bag. $3,600. Shay would never wear it, but it was worth it to end this hopeless situation.

“Here you are,” The two girls locked eyes across the counter. “Shay, I didn’t even know you were in L.A. You should really call me. We should catch up. I was so worried,” Amber said, reaching across to squeeze Shay’s hand.

Shay knew it was sincere. Amber had been so sweet and nurturing. It was Shay who’d pushed everyone away.

“Of course, yes, that’d be lovely. But I must go. Have a good day, Amber.” Shay didn’t wait for a response as she bolted out the door, dress in hand.

Inside Violet’s, Amber shuttered. She turned around and got back to work.

“How the hell do you know Hathaway’s daughter? That girl is a fucking train wreck.” Emily asked, hurrying to the window to watch Shay bolt down the block as if watching a spectacle. Amber thought about firing Emily. She was such a brat.

“She used to be one of my best friends. It’s sad, Emily, have some empathy.” Although she’d never been a victim, Amber could imagine the scrutiny Shay felt, heavy like a weight.

Amber’s eyes lingered toward the door, where she had seen the most beautiful girl in her high school – the homecoming queen, model, and fashion icon leave without an ounce of confidence left in her little body.

“Well, clearly rehab didn’t work. She looks worse than ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was no more than ninety pounds,” Emily scoffed. “Wait till everyone sees her. The media is just going to tear her apart. For her sake, I hope she stays in tonight, wherever she’s been hiding away. Her family is gonna freak.”

Amber ignored Emily’s comments and turned back to hanging up the dresses, her thoughts somewhere else. Amber felt like she’d just seen a ghost. She supposed in a way, she had. An emaciated ghost, skin and bones, and a complete lack of spirit. She continued hanging up the new dresses, all size 0.